Sunday, December 8, 2013

Fat Fear: Meeting people in person you met online...

We had been playing an online game for a while together.  Not one of the Role Playing Games.. it was a dice game, like Risk on steroids.  We online flirted.  We online chatted.  We even spoke on the phone and webcammed. 
And then, he wanted to meet.  We had webcammed, I had been honest.  But I still felt a nagging feeling.  Yes, it was me on the webcam, but I looked... better... because all you could see was my face and my face is naturally thinner than the rest of me.  But unlike all of those "catfish" out there, I 'fessed up and said.  "Look, there's something I need to tell you before we meet..." And I showed him photos of me in all of my fat glory.  He still insisted on meeting, saying that we got along so well, that he didn't care.  I thought, he isn't that much of a looker himself and he is kind of husky as well.  This could work.

Then the next day, we met.  I was taken aback by how handsome he actually was.  He was thinner than his photos, more handsome than he appeared on webcam.  And he was funny.  And I...all I could think about was how I looked to him.  How disappointing I must have been to him.  Instead of my usual confident, funny persona, I was a mere shell.  Quiet, shy, uncomfortable.  Immensely aware of how much space I was taking up in the world, in the booth.  This man, trying to hold my hand, and all I could think was, "Why?" 

The evening was awkward.  Yet I still accompanied him to his hotel room.  I still stayed the night with him.  And we still messed around.  I know, what a slut, right?  But the thing is that I felt like I owed it to him.  To thank him for being nice to the fat girl. 

And the next day, he made up a story about how he had to go back home.  How he couldn't see me again.  He was the nice guy, he pretended to care about what we talked about a little bit more for a few weeks more... and then nothing. 

I felt betrayed.  I felt like he was shallow.  I swore that I would lose the weight then and there.  That was over a year ago.  And it took me about that long to realize that he wasn't being shallow.  He had come to see me.  To meet the woman he had fallen in like with.  And he didn't meet her.  I shut down.  It was my hang up and not his.  I was a shadow of the girl he had gotten to know. 

I don't want my weight to be something I think about every single day.  I just want to be. 


Today is Day 14 on Whole30.  Two full weeks.  I learned how to make fruit rollups with strawberries, apples, and water.  I also learned how to make sweet potato fries.  And am starting to enjoy the taste of water.

Tomorrow.   I join a gym. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Less Than...

I am approaching this differently.

I know that I have not been keeping up with this blog.  It seems to be something we all do when we fall off the wagon completely. 

So let's start again.  I am currently on Day 13 of the Whole30 program.

For those of you unaware of the program, here is a link:

It is a 30 day program to basically get you in control of your food choices.
Here are the basics of what you can eat:

Most meat, most vegetables, most fruits, most nuts, coconut oil, olive oil, eggs. 

I am sure there is more than that but that is what I tell myself when I am out shopping and trying to see if something is compliant to the program.

Here's the thing.  In the first few days, I was struggling because I wanted my diet coke and creamer.  In the next few days, I was struggling because it was Thanksgiving and I wanted my chocolate pie and mashed potatoes.  It is the holiday season and I want those cookies, pies, egg nog... but I started this and I am going to finish it.

Today I was really struggling, thinking about all of the food I was "choosing not to eat right now."  I kept thinking one bite is not going to hurt.  That little needy voice in my head craving its old cravings...

Then, for just an instant, I had a flashback of one of those many times when I felt like if I hadn't been fat, things would have worked out differently.  And I am not one of those people who blames every misstep I have had on being fat.  Though I do see how it matters and how you are treated differently.

And I decided then and there that I would revamp this blog again.  And use it to document those times when I felt "less than" due to being an obese woman.  Focusing on that helped me get through today.  Just thinking, no more starting over... stop stopping.